My first impressions of God weren’t good. They were actually terrible. I carried a lot of burden, shame, terror. I literally would brace my body for punishment every time I messed up because I saw God as punisher and punishment as just. He was just angry. He was angry that he had to send Jesus to die for me so that things could be right again. And now, because he did everything for me in Jesus, I needed to do everything for him in myself. I had to be perfect because of what Jesus did for me. Anything less would warrant punishment and proved that I did not love God and wasn’t thankful for what Jesus did for me. When I messed up, I was not living up to the standard of what he did for me in Jesus so punishment was due.
It wasn’t until I started having severe anxiety episodes that I began to see that, at the bottom of years and years of this kind of thinking, was a “love” that was construed with hate. God became something like a burden that I needed to carry because of everything he did for me – saved me from hell. And when I couldn’t meet his demands of perfection that I owed him, he became a disapproving mother, someone who was secretly disgusted with me, someone who was exasperated by me and exhausted of extending mercy continuously towards me.
I want to encourage you to know God for yourself.
Many are “raised in the church” which, in a sense, is what life in Christ is about. But because the church has been infiltrated and so often has exalted everyone and everything not Jesus, church has taken on the shape of indoctrination, control, contortion and manipulation, instead of taking on the shape of Christ and joy and love. So being “raised in the church” is almost like being under a spell because often people are under the influence of something that is masking as the energy of God. When this happens, being “raised in the church” becomes distinctly the opposite of being raised in Christ. And that deception dramatically affects the way you think of God, yourself, why you are here, your communion with Jesus and one another, your collective purpose.
If I was encouraged to just love on God, enjoy Jesus, I would’ve walked in freedom so much sooner. The freedom of being overwhelmed and overjoyed with just knowing him. Instead, loving on him wasn’t enough. Enjoying intimacy with him and just reveling in him and singing in my spirit to him and fellowshipping with him and sharing that life of joy with one another wasn’t enough. I had to “do” things. And the “doing,” no matter what, wasn’t good enough.
It may not be easy, but to know Jesus is to love Jesus.
Kind of open yourself, if you can, to love. To joy. Even just a little bit.
Then when you are willing, open yourself a little more.
This area, that area. Make a little more room, anywhere and everywhere, as you can and when you can.
Let go of everything you think you know about Jesus, or yourself, or your goodness, or your pain, or your future, whether “right” or “wrong.”
Just let Jesus unfold, make it all new, in you.