I have never really put God to work. I was always trying to work. I never asked him to do anything while genuinely wanting him to do it. I was afraid of being let down or disappointed or things not working out the way I envisioned and did not trust him. I more or less had the attitude of appealing to God, but not particularly caring if he did anything or what he might do.
I would be satisfied with whatever results. I just didn’t care. I just figured I’d go get things myself, anyway. So I prayed not with full surrender, but half-heartedly, and it was not so much a joyful inviting or even a petition with full reliance, but more so an appeasing of my faith.
I’ve never really relied on God. It’s always been a kind of distant relationship. Sometimes I just don’t want God to be words on a page or an idea. I have usually been hesitant to put God to work and allow him to be alive for me.
I think you have to pursue or respond. I don’t know if this intimacy is automatic. Like you have to hunger or be open. Like pursue or receive. Somewhat I think it’s pursuit, go after God and be open to God. I don’t think things just happen.
Do things just happen in any relationship, or is there a pursuit and receiving? I guess I thought it would be different with God. But love pursues, love receives. Love is always activity. Something is happening and so love happens. There’s movement.
Pursue and be open to revelation of Christ in small ways, and he gains more and more ground in you (transformation). It’s a life from the heart. Know him for yourself. I think that’s the key. Know him for you and he gains more in you when you act on that knowledge. I am becoming more reliant on him. Even if its minor, I rely. I don’t want to be independent in anything. That’s where I went amiss. I don’t want to do anything on my own. When I rely, I am resting, I am trusting, love is happening, love is taking root, new ground. It’s okay to rely. I don’t want to shoulder Jesus out the picture. Or even be side by side like roommates. It’s abiding, mutual dwelling, it’s living in life.